Friday, October 1, 2010

October

WOOT~spent my day lazying at home emoing

I ask myself ofter is it my emotions that control my pain or is it my pain that controls my emotions?
I find it hard to deal with the sadness and anger. I try so hard to put it in perspective so that I can once and for all do away with it. I'm trying to understand it as I find it within myself but I keep asking myself "why can't I just simply forget it?"I don't want to take it with me to the other realm but I seem to be helpless to resolve all this pain I feel within.
I cannot accept the fact that things are the way they are because of what He made it that way. In looking at my emotions and pain, I notice that neither is bothering me when I'm not thinking about this. So is this controlling my life? Is my only way to be free is NOT thinking about this things that causes the emotions that control the pain or to forget the pain that controls the emotions. I feel in one way or another they both are the same~

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A thousand cries and screams have shattered what used to be called a heart into an unrecognizable bloody pulp. Trodden into the dirt, spit on by the very people who used to keep it pumping. Lies and betrayal have scarred veins, a clot restricting the flow of blood into the heart. The damage looks unrepairable, hopeless, another lost soul to be thrown in an ever growing heap of misery, The only hope left is to be able to forget-forgiveness seems impossible. How can in be possible to put back together a heart that has been fought over and torn into a thousand pieces, tucked away in the opposite corners of a broken family?

You look down and see the remains of a heart. Your eyes see the scars, the bruises, the cuts om the pitiful excuse of an organ that had once kept me alive. Gently you pick up the heart bushing away the dirt and protecting it with the soft touch of your skin. Softly and silently you stitch up the pieces together so that a resemblance of the former heart could be seen. Time stands as we looked into each other's eyes. Pain, loss and hurt stare back at us but also hope. Our wounds will never fully heal : our hearts will never fully mend as the horrors of the darkness still remain within our minds. We can try to build a better future for ourselves but we can never forget out pasts 

P.S from a source : Coke soothes my nerves or numbs it into a constant state of hyperness and nothing else. I think. I don't know

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Your hand presses against the cold glass
Of the window pane
As you watch the falling sunlight and shadows pass
Glimmer brightly through, as outside the memories
Rain
Of a simpler time
When all the world was right
When everything hidden out of sight
Under the word
Fine
Or the exhausted lie : "I'm just tired"
And now here you are - family, friends and the world
Beyond the drawn line

The tears begin to fall
Why does it have to be this way?
It's not like you want it to be this way...
It's as if no one ever knows you at all...
What's the point? Going on like this
This isn't me
What else can you do?
How can this be a home, when you feel so alone?
How can a love so strong, something so pure be wrong?
Be a sin?

"I feel myself slipping once again"
I know what's to come now,
I've been here before - Loneliness and despair
Just me and my thoughts, my private struggle~
No one else is there
Your slipping hand
You pleading, piercing stare
Just to feel the warmth
The comfort, that someone is there
Who understands
The embrace of unconditional hands

Is that too much to ask?
To be loved for who you are?
Not as the person-the lies hidden
But the person underneath the mask she puts on
The question bleeding under her heart

I don't want much,
Just to be free from this darkness
This pain and fear within me
I wish people didn't judge...
The thoughts drifts away
Nothing more than an unspoken whisper
Lost in what society has to say

Then the screaming comes
The burning tears
The slamming-with-your-fits
The blood breaking fears
The shattering, shaking and screaming

I'm not weak
I can't just pull myself together
I wish it were that easy but nothing in life is easy
You take what life has given you and do what you have to do to survive
I wish they understood the pain I've been going through
I wish I didn't have to hide behind my lies
I wish there was someone who I could trust with my life

How many times have you hid yourself away
Locked all your emotions in a box?
How many people do you know with a fake smile on their face
When actually they're breaking inside?
How many times have you woken up
In the middle of the night
Silently screaming, shouting and crying yourself back to sleep?
So you can pretend tomorrow nothing happened

You know this isn't the life meant for you
You know there's something more for you out there
Meaningless words
The taunting sunshine
The beauty of the outside
But your suck here wishing you were free from this
Why can't they see through you?

This is me
This is my life
Will you be able to say
You've survived through all this?
Or would you be consumed by this?

Here it comes :
That overwhelming emotion of
Breaking down and tearing apart
Tried of holding on to the last line

Tired of living this life
Tired of all the crying done
Tired of all the hurt and pain
Tired of running
Tired of all the lies
That everyone does not see
Struggling to be free

Slow at first...cautious
Your feet begin to tread to that open door
This where the choice of you life has led you to
Open your eyes and take in the sunshine
The wonders of being outside
Breathe and smile
Tell the world : "I am no longer scared
No longer afraid
I am not alone
I know somewhere, in someone's arms
There is a home"

In this world of freedom outside
I will no longer live this life
I will no longer hide
If you cannot be true
To who you know you are
Then who can you be?

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